Identity Crisis

"...a good argument can be made that true, authentic selves are made more than found. It is arguably as much or more by making and keeping promises than by dabbling and deferring that we come to know who we as persons really are and are called to become."

I read this today in a Books & Culture article called "Getting a Life: the challenge of emerging adulthood" by Christian Smith.

The article discussed a new stage of life in American culture which has been dubbed "emerging adulthood." As a member of this stage (being between 18 and 30 years), I found the article interesting and thought-provoking. It describes several characteristics of this new stage of life, including identity exploration, focus on self, and a delay of marriage and long-term careers.

Smith argues that much of emerging adulthood does little to prepare for actual adulthood; instead, it tends to promote self-indulgence and narcissism. The issue of morality in relationships for emerging adults is especially fluid.

This is where the above quote comes in. Smith criticizes the emerging adulthood attitude that does not understand the relationship between commitment and identity formation. This was interesting to me in light of frequent discussions that I have been a part of at Geneva. The argument is often made that before you can commit to a relationship, settle down and get married, you must know who you are. You must have your identity figured out before you can add someone to your life.

I think that this must be an erroneous argument. First of all it denies that identity is a fluid and continually changing idea. There are some things that are constant: once a Christian, you are always a child of God. You cannot change your gender, birth date, or ethnicity. But who you are in terms of relationships is always changing. I went from being an only child to being the oldest of four. I am now a wife. Someday I hope to be a mother and a grandmother. This leads to the second error: this argument denies that other people - in particular, a significant other - influence and shape who we are and who we will become. After you have figured out what you want out of life, where you want to be in 10, 20, 50 years, what you are most passionate about, then you can begin to look for someone to share that with. Of course, there is some truth to this: good marriages often work because the people in them are like-minded. But to say that at some point in our early twenties or thirties we will discover who we truly are and will be for the rest of our lives – and that who we marry will not influence that person – doesn’t work.

“…authentic selves are made more than found…”

And they are made in a community of people. They are shaped by our family, our environment, our beliefs.

“It is arguably as much or more by making and keeping promises than by dabbling and deferring that we come to know who we as persons really are and are called to become."

Commitment to a community is necessary to identity. We are made in God’s image, and part of that involves communion with others – not a disconnected, drifting lifestyle that refuses to take responsibility for oneself and for others. Marriage is one type of committed communion that aids identity discovery and formation. Family and church bodies can be others.

Wherever we are, communities are vital to shaping not only who we are in the workplace, at school, and in public, but also we are in Christ. Other people provide a mirror to which we are held up, revealing all our filthiness and sin. Other people also provide a beautiful picture of the love and grace of God. We cannot live without them.